How do you change a stubborn mule? You cant. Im a stubborn mule and I will never change JUST because you said so! I know I have flaws and I am happy with them. How do you fight that?
Recently, I learned that the answer is : Shame. Guilt. Embarrassment.
I have a short temper. Its short and explosive and easily cool off. I like it because it is the better kind. The pent up anger kept inside until boiling point is ugly, scary, unexpected and usually, long lasting. Not to mention traumatic. So, I easily lose my temper. I expect the best from people and myself included. Most people don’t know but I come down on myself harder than anyone else. My expectation for myself is higher and my expectations are all meant to be met. NO excuses.
You can imagine what a nightmare this is for my poor significant other. Last week I did something stupid. Something that took the no 1 spot on my list of stupidest things a person can do and this particular one takes home the grand prize. It also cost my boyfriend a lot of grief and trouble. The entry below stating that him missing his bus home hence missing his work hence missing that meeting, MY FAULT. It is the STUPIDEST thing I have ever done in my life and I am so SO SORRY MY DARLING!!
He is sick of my apologizing but I cant forgive myself until I have made it up to you. I vow I will find a way, my love.
Anyway, the thing I realized was, over every little thing that he fell short of my expectation, be it important or not, I always came down hard on him. I always expected nothing but the best. Sometimes he does better than expected. Other times, he fell short and my wrath is always ready to be unleashed. Fortunately its never longer than 10 minutes but still, I got mad. I automatically expected him to give me back some of my own bitter medicine. I expected it and I was ready to take it and start making up for it. Not once he lashed back. Not once he said ‘I told ya so’ or ‘wth is wrong with you’ or ‘ how could you be so careless’. Not once did he yell. Not once he got upset. He took it all in as it was and never….. I was so ashamed. Thinking back of all my reactions to his bloopers I was really ashamed.
He always told me to change. To not get so riled up over small things. I never once listened because it has always been who I am and temper is not just something you can correct overnight. It takes a lot of effort which I didn’t feel like putting it. Sometimes tempers help ( I am not going to elaborate) so I don’t wish to fix something that,well, I like. Its rarely gets out of hand but it helps me release the tension and the pressure. He has come to accept it as part of me. After this stupid mistake of mine, I felt so ashamed and so guilty about the way I treated him, I decided to change. I made a promise to him to try to not get angry in a split second. To try to control my anger. To go from disappointed to acceptance without going through the losing temper phase. I made a promise that I am going to change.
So people, that’s how. You don’t tell a stubborn mule that it needs to change. You do it by simply showing it how and by putting it to shame until it decides to change on its own.
People change you in many ways. Ways that you can never phantom. Ways that you never thought was possible. My temper is as big a part of me as my hair or my legs but his generosity and acceptance ability has made me want to be like that. It has made me see that by changing, I become a better person. That’s what life is about really. A path to become a better person.
So wish me luck! With a little luck I will never get mad again. For those who know me well, I am sure you are laughing your head off. =) Have some faith, will ya
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